Nick Cannon has worn many hats over the course of his career — he’s been a comedian, rapper, television host, actor, and entrepreneur.
But these days, most discussions about the 42-year-old have less to do with his prodigious talents than with his bedroom activities.
As you’re likely aware, Cannon has fathered 12 children by five different women.
Which is why it’s so surprising that Nick has now signed an endorsement deal with Durex, a British manufacturer of condoms and personal lubricants.
Sources who have seen Cannon’s first Durex commercial say that it finds the entertainer dressed in Napoleonic garb on a battlefield.
The visual pun on his last name is, of course, self-explanatory,
“When riding into battle, nothing is more important than a man’s armor,” Nick says to the camera.
“The same is true for a man who’s looking to fire off his cannon without repercussions,” he continues.
“Don’t get me wrong — building an army is a rewarding experience. But there comes a time when a man has more troops than he can manage.”
At that point, Nick rips off the soldier getup, dons one of his trademark turbans, and strides onto a set made to look like a sophisticated cocktail lounge.
He’s flanked by two women who gaze at him as though they’d happily help him welcome a couple new Cannons into the world.
“Fellas, I’m not a general,” Nick earnestly explains to his audience.
“But I am a father of 12, which means I know a thing or two about responsibility. And the thing about responsibility is — most men don’t have it,” he continues.
“Especially nowadays! Y’all zoomers wouldn’t even know how to keep a digital pet alive! I’ll pause and give you time to google ‘digital pet.’”
Here, Nick sips his drink and chats up the models for a moment.
“So if you can’t remember to feed your Tamagotchi, then you’re not ready to be a father. I know what you’re thinking — Nick what makes you so special that you can have as many kids as you want?” he asks rhetorically.
“Well, here’s your answer: I. Am. Rich! Hella rich. I had my first babies with Mariah Carey. Those kids are so rich they already have flights booked on Elon’s first flight to Mars!”
“If you’re a millionaire like me, then go nuts! Breed like a Duggar! But if not …”
Here, Nick pauses before delivering the slogan of the campaign:
“Don’t be like Nick! Wrap … up an important conversation about family planning prior to intercourse. You’ll be glad you did!”
Sigh. Sadly, this article is just an April Fools’ joke, but Cannon as a condom spokesman sort of works, right?
Hey, Nick, if you wind up making a deal with Trojan, we want a cut, bro!
