It doesn’t get much more American than the Super Bowl.
People in other countries who tuned in out of curiosity last night might’ve been baffled by the sight of Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni crying patriotic tears as Chris Stapleton’s rendition of the national anthem got us all high on a little drug called ‘Merica.
And then there was the halftime show, in which a pregnant(!!!) Rihanna hovered 100 feet above the 50-yard line while issuing musical threats to the b-tch who owes her money.
Sure, RiRi is from Barbados, but the moment was as American as a bald eagle shooting an apple pie with an AK-47.
In fact, we didn’t think last night could get any more American — until Donald Trump burst onto the scene and cranked the Americanness up to 11.
After all, nothing sums up life in the US in 2023 quite like screaming ignorant opinions on social media and turning literally everything into a divisive political issue.
The former president is still banned from Twitter, but he continues to spew invective on his Truth Social platform.
“EPIC FAIL: Rihanna gave, without question, the single worst Halftime Show in Super Bowl history,” Trump seethed.
“This after insulting far more than half of our nation, which is already in serious DECLINE, with her foul and insulting language,” he continued.
“Also, so much for her ‘Stylist.’”
The comments were sadly unsurprising 1. because it’s Donald Trump, and he’s been saying crazy sh-t on the internet for as long as the internet has existed, and 2. because he’s been obsessing over Rihanna for a while now.
“Without her ‘Stylist’ she’d be NOTHING,” Trump wrote on Truth Social last week.
“Bad everything, and NO TALENT!”
It seems that Trump was piggybacking on comments made by former White House doctor Ronny Jackson who alleged that Rihanna spray-painted “F-ck Donald Trump” on a car in Amarillo, Texas in 2020.
For a guy who’s always accusing other people of being thin-skinned and easily triggered, the Donald sure seems upset about an alleged incident from three years ago.
But that’s no reason to bash Rihanna’s halftime show, which most viewers regarded as one of the most solid big game performances in recent years.
The problem with Trump’s latest tirade is that it’s predictable.
We knew that he hates Rihanna, so we knew he was gonna hate her halftime show.
The better move would’ve been to throw us a curveball, like when he randomly praised Biden’s State of the Union speech.
That’s the sort of chaotic energy that Trump is gonna need if we wants to capture the youth vote in ’24!
Look, if “DeSantimonious” is any indication, then Trump’s nickname game is not what it used to be.
The guy’s gotta do something to show there’s still juice left in his tank, and posting a video of himself twerking to “Umbrella” while sporting RiRi’s red jumpsuit might be just the ticket.